THE TRAVELER happens on LUDVIG VAN BEETHOVEN.

TRAVELER

Here, you’ll love this.

He puts the earbuds of his iPOD up to Beethoven’s ears. Wonderful music (the audience may only guess what) fills Beethoven and overtakes his soul. He moves to snatch the iPod from the traveler’s hands.

BEETHOVEN

(in German)

GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!

The traveler siezes it back.

TRAVELER

No! It’s mine! I’m just lending – you can’t -

Beethoven reaches for a candlestick – no – he grabs the traveler by the vest and pulls him into his kitchen, siezes a butcher knife, and STABS THE TRAVELER THROUGH TO THE HEART.

INT. BEETHOVEN’S HOME – NIGHT

Beethoven listens to song after song on the iPod, through all hours of the night, alternately frozen in reveries and dancing in raptures, until nearly all his energy has fled. Then, the iPod battery dies.

BEETHOVEN

No!

He comes to the dead traveler and shakes his frame.

BEETHOVEN

(In German)

Make it live! Make it live again!

INT. – OFFICE COMPLEX – A CUBICLE

A SOMEWHAT GEEKY MALE WORKER is at his desk programming. He moves his mouth in dry smacking and squinches his nose. He pries the inside of his nose and dislodges a few small dryly gooey boogers. Examining his fingers and looking around his desk for some tissues, and finding none, he surreptitiously moves his fingers toward his mouth.

INT. – OFFICE COMPLEX – HALLWAYS

LOUD ALARM SOUNDS BLARE and RED LIGHTS BLAZE in alarm.

INT. – OFFICE COMPLEX – CONFERENCE ROOM

All the employees of THE COMPANY are seated around a table. THE BOSS stands and shouts at the geeky male worker:

BOSS

(fuming)

You think you can just go doing that!? Like no one will notice!? Like it doesn’t matter what you do in your own cubicle!? Like no one else will use your keyboard!? I’ve personally had to use way too many boogery keyboards from namby-pampy nose-picking word-a-minute coders like you! This icky-yucky vaguely green tint to the keyboard that just TELLS ME what they’ve been doing every morning before they set about idly chattering about the next hot girl before finally getting down to coding after three hours of hearltless bimbo-bamboozling prattle!

GEEKY MALE WORKER

But sir..

BOSS

(cont’d)

THAT IS ENOUGH! Normally I make exceptions because everybody has to waste their first three hours of the day, that’s just human nature, but YOU HAVE LEFT CIVILIZATION! Do you think everyone just yanks those things out of their noses and shoves them into their mouths!? YOU ARE INSANE! AND THAT’S THE FIRST AND LAST BOOGER FOR YOU!

INT. – OFFICE COMPLEX – A CUBICLE

The same cubicle the fired geeky worker occupied is now occupied by SOMEWHAT GEEKY MALE WORKER #2. He stands up.

INT – OFFICE COMPLEX – MALE RESTROOM

SOUND OF TOILET FLUSHING. Geeky worker #2 leaves the toilet stall and heads for the door. On the door is prominently posted:

WORKERS: WASH YOUR HANDS

The geeky worker opens the door and steps through.

INT. – OFFICE COMPLEX – HALLWAYS

LOUD ALARM SOUNDS BLARE and RED LIGHTS BLAZE in alarm.

THE END

1. A celebrity who says “Satan loves drugs. Do you worship Satan?” Cut to title: THE MORE YOU KNOW..

2. A guy boiling an egg who says “This is your brain. But what do you care about your brain, you underdeveloped, uneducated thin-skulled pedigree inebriate? When was the last time you read a book? Have you ever read something you weren’t told to? That fantasy/sci-fi crap-twaddle doesn’t count. Now you’re giving me that ‘I-don’t-comprehend-you-and-I’d-rather-be-sniffing’ look. So go ahead, get jacked up on that garbage and ease our population stresses. Someone else will take over your telephone work.” – pours oil on the burner and the room goes up in flames. Cut to title: THE MORE YOU KNOW..

3. A hippie who says “Some drugs take you into a psychadelic fantasy zone where the colors and the walls love you and the laws of nature don’t seem to apply. HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU?!” Cut to title: THE MORE YOU KNOW..

4. A sports celebrity who says “A lot of athletes make a lot of money using drugs and don’t get caught for years, or maybe never at all. IS IT WORTH IT? You make the call.” Cut to title: THE MORE YOU KNOW..

Of course, I didn’t write the following.

CUT TO: Swamps of Sadness

BASTIAN

Atreyu and Artax had searched the Silver Mountains, the Desert of Shattered Hopes, and the Crystal Towers without success. And so, there was only one chance left. To find Morla, the ancient one, the wisest being in Fantasia who’s home was the Shell Mountain somewhere in the deadly Swamps of Sadness.

Atreyu jumps off Artax and pulls him along through the swamp.

BASTIAN

Everyone knew that whoever let the sadness overtake him would sink into the swamp.

Atreyu pulls his horse along saying reassuring things the whole time.

ATREYU

That’s it. You’re doing fine Artax.

Suddenly Artax stops and Atreyu pulls on the reigns. Artax doesn’t budge.

ATREYU

Come on Artax, what’s the matter? What’s wrong? Come on boy! I understand, it’s too difficult for you.

He tries pulling him in a different direction and steps into a puddle up to his waist. Suddenly he notices that Artax is sinking.

ATREYU

Artax you’re sinking! Come on turn around, you have to! Now! Come on! Artax!

He goes closer to him and hugs him.

ATREYU

Fight against the sadness Artax. Artax, please. You’re letting the sadness of the swamps get to you. You have to try, you have to care. For me, I’m your friend, I love you.

(Artax doesn’t move and Atreyu slaps the puddle sending water flying toward the horse. He yells at him again.)

Artax, you’re sinking! Come on, turn around, you have to, now! Come on! Artax! Fight against the sadness, Artax. Artax, please,
you’re letting the sadness of the swamps get to you. You have
to try. You have to care, for me, you’re my friend, and I love you.
Artax! Stupid horse! You’ve gotta move or you’ll die! Move, please!
I won’t give up! Don’t quit! Artax! Please!

(then he pleads with him.)

Move please. I won’t give up! Jump quick! Artax please!

FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
SPLIT VIEW: of Atreyu sitting on a log crying as he looks at the spot where Artax had once been, and of Bastian looking up from the book. Both have tears streaming down their face, Bastian blows his nose on his handkerchief. Bastian turns the page.
VIEW: of Atreyu walking through the swamps crying. He stops suddenly and we see a mountain.

ATREYU

The Shell Mountain.

VIEW: of Bastian as he looks up from the book.

BASTIAN

Morla the ancient one.

This may best be expressed as an animation. Plus that way there’s no harm/aggravation to animals.

EXT. – MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD – FRONT OF A HOUSE

There is some AWESOMELY HYPNOTIC BLAND INDUSTRIAL/TECHNO MUSIC playing in this AWESOME VIDEO. THE MUSIC INCLUDES ROBOTIC CAT MEOWS. A MALE PERSON picks up his MALE CAT ON A LEASH and attempts to put the cat in A SMALL BOX. THE NARRATOR is AN ENTHUSIASTIC YUPPIE SURFER WHO MANAGES OFFICIOUSNESS:

NARRATOR

Put that cat in a box!

The cat is disgruntled and runs: the leash stops him.

NARRATOR

Pull that leash now!

The person manages to get the cat back in his arms without it scratching him (which it attempts to).

NARRATOR

(sympathetic)

Aww, Pinky’s upset. That’s good!

The person puts the cat in the box and suffers a few scratches on the way, yelping in pain. He seals the box, walks to the curb, and dumps it in the garbage can.

NARRATOR

Don’t tell the garbage man!

DISCLAIMER TITLE:
DON’T DO THIS.

INT. – CORUSCANT UNDERWORLD – SITH LORD’S CHAMBER

DARTH PLAGUEIS STANDS ALONE, ROBED AND HOODED IN BLACK. He is in a deep trance. Before him is A MAN-SIZED POOL OF MUD. He raises his arms. The mud bubbles, rises, glows in eeire off-colors, and forms into A RABBIT.

Darth Plagueis

(happy laughter, then maniacal, then hysterical)

WE WILL HAVE REVENGE!

This film likely best accomplished by disassembling the video game into sprites to mix live-action with animation.

INT. – A HOUSE – A ROOM

A YOUNG MAN PLAYS NINTENDO. He has won and is watching the end sequence to NINJA GAIDEN. In the game, RYU’S FATHER DIES. RYU KISSES HIS GIRLFRIEND. THE YOUNG MAN is overcome with the mixture of pity, grief, and love.

YOUNG MAN

(imploring)

Ninja!

(beat, sobs)

GAIDEN!

RYU AND GIRLFRIEND STAND ATOP A CLIFF AS THE TOWER OF THE VILLAIN’S LAIR COLLAPSES. The young man is overcome with the necessity of revenge.

YOUNG MAN

(imploring)

Ninja!

(beat, heaving sobs, anger)

REVENGE!

The young man seizes his SAMURAI SWORD and dashes out of his house, RUSHING THROUGH ALL OF THE LEVELS AND BOSSES OF NINJA GAIDEN, ACROBATICS AND FOE-SLAUGHTERING JUST SO, TO ARRIVE AT THE END OF THE GAME. He stands atop the cliff watching the tower collapse as he himself DETERIORATES INTO A NERVOUS WRECK ALTERNATING IN GLORY/GRIEF/ANGER, REPEATING HIS SAME WORDS AS BEFORE.

By Richard Alexander Hall

Concept by Robert Langford Hall

This is the first of four ideas that have been lodged in my head and which I spat out last night. I very much welcome comments and criticisms.

INT. – WHITE SCREEN

The bored head of a MALE PERSON is before us. A hand at his side reaches in and rotates an imaginary nob on his ear; as the hand does so, THE PERSON’S MOUTH ROBOTICALLY OPENS. The NARRATOR announces in his SEMI-BOILED DECLARATIVE SCIENTIFIC TONE:

NARRATOR

Hmm. Turn that dial. Travel back through time.

A SCREEN OF FUZZY GLOWING BLUE LIGHT SHIMMERS IN THE PERSON’S MOUTH for a while, THEN VANISHES. He opens and closes his mouth mechanically and licks his chops. He goes somewhat stale.

NARRATOR

The flavor of dust. It tastes like 1952!

The person rotates the unseen dial on his ear, the shimmering blue mouth light FADES IN AND OUT. He licks his chops still mechanically but a bit more vigorously.

NARRATOR

(happy)

The Nintendo Entertainment System you cleaned with your tounge in 1982. Turn that dial again!

The person again rotates the dial slack-jawed; more shimmering light and it settles. He has a pleasant expression.

NARRATOR

Ahh. Hummus of Ancient Egypt. Circa 2000 BC. Turn the dial again!

The person extracts a tub of hummus from his mouth and licks his chops. Slack-jawed dialing, shimmering, fading. He has a bitter expression.

NARRATOR

Bratwurst at OctoberFest, 1992. Misdial! Dial on!

Slack-jawed dialing, shimmering, fading. The person looks puzzled for a moment, then has a realization, and smiles.

NARRATOR

It tastes like today! Your journey is through!

THE END

This is a sequel to TACO that reverses the situation in that film, with the German singing fellow arriving confused at a taco joint and singing to request a taco. Together with TACO and an as yet unwritten third, they will form THE FOOD TRILOGY.

Just moving this script from somewhere else – not certain exactly when I wrote it..

EXT. – A FAST FOOD RESTARAUNT

The sign of the restaraunt identifies it as HAMBURGERS. A MEXICAN pulls up to the drive through. The drive through worker addresses him through the speaker.

FAST FOOD WORKER

Hi welcome to hamburger what can I get you?

The Mexican regards the signs. He is puzzled.

MEXICAN

Hey muchachos, where are your tacos?

The fast food worker puzzles over the patron’s request and lack of knowledge. The patron believes he can get what he wants with song.

MEXICAN

(sings)

Hey muchachos, Donde esta sus tacos, hey muchachos?

The fast food worker is taken further aback, and decides to try his own at the foreign:

FAST FOOD WORKER

(sings, ending in dissonance)

Wir bin ein Hamburger und we no have ze tacos, no no, ja?

The Mexican worker betrays his queit dissapointment to the camera.

CUT TO:

TITLE AND VO

Taco.

Here is a movie I made with a friend.

For discussion with your children: Did the Sinner in this movie cause the end of the world by telling a prophet to “Shut up”? Or was the world doomed to die anyway? Which came first, the chicken or the egg, the sinner or Armageddon? Do you think the world was going to end even though this Sinner said “Shut up”? Was God so upset with too many people saying “Shut up” all the time that He decided to blow up the world? Does God’s promise to Noah not to flood the world mean he is free to blow it up nonetheless? If God were going to blow up the world, do you think prophets would warn us first?

MAYBE SO, BUT WE’VE BEEN WARNED A LOT!! SO THE NEXT TIME A PROPHET RUNS UP TO YOU AND YELLS THE END IS NEAR, YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE THEM!! SHAME ON YOU!! SHAME ON YOU!! ALL SINNERS, SHAME ON YOU!! YOU HAVE 3 SECONDS TO REPENT!!

Someone pointed out that this is the Most Violent Film ever made. Film violence has been rated by the number of deaths in a film. By that standard, Star Wars is the Most Violent Film Ever: while several films have blown up populated planets, Star Wars edges them all out by blowing up Alderran and the Death Star. But if you rate by Violence Density (number of deaths divided by length of film), this is by far the Most Violent Film Ever!

Someone else pointed out that I coincidentally released this on the same day that the FLDS church moved down near Waco Texas for their prophecy of the end, 04-04-05. Um.. how sort of appropriate.

CREDITS

Script and Prophet – Richard Alexander Hall

Directed by Richard Alexander Hall and David A. Skousen.

Photography – David A. Skousen.

Hoodlum – Richard Skousen

Hoodlums – Paul Green, Izak Rock

Earth Image – NASA

Fireball – DetonationFilms.com