Open Hatch

Following is assembled recordings of “Grandfather” calling to leave voice messages.

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(.mp3 file, 2:28, ~1MB)

GRANDFATHER sighs and dials the phone. Two rings:

VOICEMAIL PROMPT

(frenetic multi-toned radio-edited)

We’re sorry the person you are trying to reach is not available. Please leave!

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

GRANDFATHER

Gonna fight the ninjas this morning. Fight the ninjas this morning.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Goin’ out to have a look at some Indians. Lookin’ at the Indians.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Just talkin’ to the clowns as usual around here. Just talkin’ to the clowns as usual.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Thought I’d go out and get myself a hypaflectalactomy!

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

This light switch here goes off and on, but most of the time, it’s off.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

I sure miss.. bourbon..

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Just’ gimme (clears throat) ‘scuse me neh.. gimme a little more flugel then we’ll be all set and.. flatulatin’ on the carpet.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

It was never like this back when I had my old time with Moses what and his commandments, tablets all tellin’ us what to do (despondent), but now we don’t know.. nooo.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Hi it wasn’t (sighs).. well maybe I.. maybe I did..

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

It’s still not, it (sighs)

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Oh I up and forgot why I laid that flower bed anyway this here all the chickens ‘an they’re all mumblin’ and peckin’ one TO ANOTHER IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THAT IT’S LIKE THE.. PECKING ORDER, AND THEY’RE DOING IT IN MY FLOWERBED.. JUST LIKE THE DAT GAN GOVERNMENT RIGHT IN MY FLOWER BED PECKIN’!!

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

Emm – um – oh what was it.. VAN HALEN.

(VOICEMAIL BEEP)

I still don’t know what all these ninjas are.. what are all these ninjas fighting about?

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